Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
Putting The "S" Back Into Words That Never Had It!

As of late, I've been seeing ads for a specific brand of shoes: Sketchers. There's quite a number of them in the mall at the moment. You might have seen them yourself already, in either the male or female version, where the guy or girl in question is amidst this colourful montage of scenes where they are a spy/superhero/blatant rip-off of James Bond and Kill Bill. From your evil mad scientist being protected by Japanese high school girls with swords to the guy romancing some tango dancer in his hotel room, no contrivance has been left uncopied.

My distate for this copycatting aside, what really has my eyebrow arching is the caption they have for the shoes their featured action models are wearing. Now I'm pretty sure something is off here. My keep and sharply-honed intuition is telling me that some miniscule thing is awry. Perhaps you can help. Here's the caption:

Sketchers Shoes. We put the "S" back in action.

Now I'm no expert at spelling, but last I checked 'action' did not include the letter 's'. Unless they're referring the actual phonetic way of sounding it out: ak-shun. Or perhaps there's a global conspiracy (courtesy of the Evidence Mice, of course) to eliminate the letter 's' from the English language.

Either way, it's still a silly ad and someone should be fired for having thought it a good idea. But that's just me ranting, and probably more than a little vindictive at the moment.

And speaking of the Evidence Mice, here's another update/coded message of warning cleverly disguised as spam!

bottle of beer behind is magnificent.Unlike so many taxidermists who have made their revered boy to us.Indeed, espadrille beyond go deep sea fishing with plaintiff of satellite.But they need to remember how often traffic light for curse wakes up.He called her Ferdinand (or was it Ferdinand?). lavender phoebe expectorant optimistic scant anglophobia janitor congestion

Yes, it appears the Evidence Mice are beginning to take a more open assault against humanity in their bid for world domination! The first line alone should chill the blood of any good Canadian (or beer drinker). 'Bottle of beer behind is magnificent'? That can mean only one thing: the Evidence Mice are planning to subdue us by either destroying our beer supply or else holding it for ransom. In light of the Canadian beer company, Molson's, just having been bought out and merged with The Coors Company, this is serious. It's possible that the Evidence Mice will slowly water down good, decent beer, and this is their first step towards achieving their diabolical goal!

If we examine the next line, we can see that I am not alone in my struggle against the Evidence Mice. Taxidermists the world over are joining forces to save our beer. And the 'revered boy' spoken of alludes to the leader of this rebellion.

I'm not entirely sure what deep-sea fishing has to do with satellites, but it might be that seafood is being targetted next. My sashimi supply might dry up. I fear.

And after that, they're going to curse all the traffic lights in the world to create massive gridlock in all the major cities! Not that anyone in Toronto will really notice; it's always gridlock. And then after that, they're going to target one of my favourite Anime fansub pimps! Ferd, if you're reading this, you may want to start stockpiling weapons and discs. And if you get captured...can I call dibs on your Anime collection?

And then there's this lavender phoebe expectorant optimistic scant anglophobia janitor congestion thing, which probably means that janitors are suddenly going to come down with colds. Fiendish, oh yes, it certainly is...

Today's Lesson: there is no "S" in action.


posted by Phillip at 11:34 AM

 
Customer Servicing

The past week has been gruelling, for obvious reasons mentioned in prior bits of nowhere. Especially so givne how last night was a mini-inventory for our store and I got to spend 3 extra hours after my 8-hour shift ended counting wallets. Lots of wallets. Lots and lots of wallets. God, do I hate wallets now.

And today's incident just capped it all off. So there I am in the store, at the counter, busy getting the week-end paperwork prepped for Monday. A large gentleman comes up to the counter. And by large, I mean significantly rotund with added girth, or as I'm sure is more politically correct to say "very, very well-nourished." I smiled and greeted him.

This Very Well-Nourished Man smiles back and remarks, "I'm doing fine, thanks. Say, I've got a problem. Do you think you can help me?"

At this point, I thought he was maybe looking for wallets or luggage. "Sure," I said. "I can try."

Whereupon the man thrusts his girth towards me and lifts up his shirt to openly display a very hairy and very flabby stomach. That sort of thing no man or woman should ever have to be subjected to at so close a range. But there I was, staring in horror at this hairy, flabby gut staring point-blank back at me, desperately trying not to gawk or avert my eyes. And as I'm looking, my eyes wide in momentary panic, all I can think of is, "Good God, Sir, I don't think I can help you with that!"

It may sound cruel, I know, but place yourself that close to his gut and try to understand my situation.

My panic didn't abate when he proceeded to grab his gut with both hands and hoist it up. Happily, it did drain away when, somewhere beneath his added circumference, he revealed a dying fanny pack. A replacement fanny pack, now that I can help with! However, it would have admittedly been easier if he'd just told instead of shown. There are just some things I personally feel you should keep to yourself.

If Mel were reading this over my shoulder, she'd no doubt add, "But obviously you feel you can blab about our sex life to everyone we know!" Well, not everyone. My parents don't read this little bit of nowhere after all. Which is no doubt a very good thing.

Today's Lesson: orthokeratology is "a non-surgical process which flattens/reshapes the cornea of the eye using contact lenses." Which basically means a contact lense expert is an orthokeratologist. Why am I telling you this? Well, sometimes the signs you see at convention centres just pique your curiosity.


posted by Phillip at 3:36 PM